Finny

On December 19th, 2016 my heart would expand to a size seemingly incapable of existing in my own chest. On that day, my sweet Finny Man was born and my life would fill with a love that no words can truly capture. When I met Finny at four weeks old I knew he was the one by how silly and sweet he already was. We quickly realized he loved the water by how comfortable he made himself in the shared bowl and in his siblings pee! I'll never forget the pure bliss I felt driving home knowing that in another four weeks, Dakota would have a little brother. When we brought Finny to our car, wearing his little matching whale collar and leash, he immediately began to crunch leaves, a joy he never gave up. Later in life he realized beech tree leaves tasted best and possessed the optimal crunch. 

From the time he was little, Finny was in and out of the ER with tummy upset, itching, and assorted other aliments. Each time, I felt terrified that I would lose him. I remember running out of a grad school class where I was to give a presentation because I needed to rush to the ER to meet my husband there with our sweet baby. When visiting the vet I would often pull out a literal list of 20 questions. On the ride home, I'd think of more and worry all over again. All I ever saw with Finny. My heartbeat for him. An invisible gravitational pull. Forever unable to drop his leash and let him romp with the leash-less dogs. Always needing a tether to my boy. He was my rock, my lifeline after losing Dakota. He stayed up until the wee hours of the night with me watching Gilmore Girls when I couldn't sleep. The show that would later become the inspiration to his litter sister Rory's name. The little girl who stole his heart, the little girl he taught to swim, the little girl who admired him so.

Finny loved to explore new places and even visited Quebec City. Everywhere he went, he made people smile. His big head and wrinkly face, a total charmer. People knew his name. Neighbors, strangers, people who worked at the stores he frequented, kids at the local school. Speaking of school, Finny loved to learn. "Doing school" was so fun for him. He caught on quickly to new things. He loved to steal toys from the dog park, chew them up, always knowing not to swallow the pieces and rather spit them into a neat pile. He unwrapped gifts with precision and delight. If you needed a box shredded, he was your guy. A selective kisser, often only gently giving out one. Endlessly curious, especially about other animals, mice and snakes in particular! He was perfection at posing for photos, often wearing a bow tie or cute bandana, but mostly his signature 'tongue out' expression. Sometimes his tongue would peak out while he slept, a sight that always brought me comfort. He loved to shake his booty when scratched, roll in the snow or soft moss ("roll-itos" I called it), ask for all meals early, celebrate after meals by rolling around in the living room (I called it "having a party"), find all hidden poops on walks, leap up for a ride as soon as the keys jingled, follow me everywhere, and SWIM. The water was Finny's happy place. If he so much as smelt water from within the car with the windows down, he was preparing to leap in. The ocean, the pool, the bath tub, or a large puddle. He loved it all. He could swim hundreds of laps chasing Fishie in the pool. Now, Fishie sleeps beside me in bed. I look for my Finny constantly. In his spot on the couch, under my desk, beside me in bed, our yard, everywhere. I listen for the sound he'd make while settling into sleep, the grunts he'd give when he was expecting a meal, the sound of his scratch, his bark, the little groan when he stretched, the sound of him arriving beside me and the ease I felt from his presence. A piece of me will be missing until we're reunited one day. The saying, "if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever" is so very true. We tried everything and I'll never not wonder how things may have been had we tried something else. All I wanted to do was save you. Finny, I love you in a way I've loved no one else. 

You are my baby boy, my Lovie, my Bunny, and all the countless other nicknames you knew belonged to you. You were and will always be my greatest blessing and though our time was cut short due to a disease that haunts my soul, I will never stop being thankful to be your mommy. I will never stop honoring you and your brother Dakota. My boys. My heart.